Compersion
Jul. 15th, 2007 05:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sunflowerpMy 'Net Sweetie is over the moon about his new love. Almost obsessive, as NRE (new relationship energy, for those - probably few - who haven't met the term) can be. That doesn't leave much for me, but that's okay; I'm kind of up in the clouds myself, feeling joy for his joy: compersion.
Polyamory comes with lots of jargon (http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyglossary.html - I'll be using quite a bit of it, so this link may come in handy for those unfamiliar with it) - invented or constructed words to refer to concepts that are significant in a non-monogamous relationship model; "polyamory" itself is just such a word. We need to talk about these concepts, so we create vocabulary to do it with.
Sometimes, though, we forget that it's the need for vocabulary, not the concepts themselves, that are specific to polyamory.
The compersion I'm feeling comes easily in this case. My 'Net Sweetie isn't my primary (I don't have a primary at the moment, other than myself) - indeed, the primary/secondary/tertiary structure isn't very useful here. We've never met in person; it's a long-distance relationship, so new that the "commitment" aspect is about getting to know each other better, still at the "friends with (virtual) fringe benefits" stage. I think there's a lot of potential here, but logistics might interfere with realizing that potential; he's over 2000 miles away (it sounds even worse in kilometres) and in a different country.
His new love is also an LDR at present, even though it's a much more committed relationship, and I have a huge advantage over her when it comes to conducting an LDR: articulated digits. You see, she's his brand-new filly, born just over 48 hours ago. As a result, I'm not getting any less email, but OTOH, it's All About The Girl.
This is a dream for him that has taken over three and a half years to come to fruition - that's counting from when he had the means and the opportunity to put the process in train practically; the motive, the wish that he could have this, goes back, I believe, a good deal longer.
This may sound like I'm stretching the terminology all out of shape. In a way, so I am - but I think there's a lot to be learned here about what we mean when we use the terminology, and about the ways it's not poly-exclusive nor even poly-specific.
'Net Sweetie's relationship with his equine love is unquestionably committed - having a horse in your life is a lot more demanding, and a lot more long-term, than having a cat, or even in some ways than having a spouse - and it's certainly romantic; he's all giddy and starry-eyed. True, it's more parental than marital, but the idea, I think, is lifelong partnership. She is a Significant Other, not in the sense that refers strictly to spouses/lovers, but in the way that one's children or a Calling (a thing one can't not do, whether one is paid for the work or not - an example likely to be familiar to LJers is writing... which is also one of 'Net Sweetie's SOs) are Significant Others, and require and demand, not simply as obligation but from love, time and attention.
"But why do you identify what you're feeling as 'compersion'? Can't you just say you're happy for him?" Well, first and foremost, experience. I've "felt happy" for people - been pleased at their good fortune, especially when they were folks I cared about and wished good fortune to - many times. I've experienced compersion, also many times, but not as many; it - or at least the set of circumstances in which it arises - is rarer. The two are related, certainly, but they don't feel the same, any more than "like" and "love" feel the same.
Being pleased by the good fortune of those I care about can be dependent on whether it's any skin off my arse. When it has a negative impact on me - f'ex, if a close friend gets a great job offer in a distant city, my opportunities to see them will become, at best, few and far between - my state of "happy for them" may be mitigated by that impact.
Compersion, on the other hand, is what I experience when, despite any such impact, I have a net increase in happiness because their joy, in and of itself, gives me joy.
Sometimes, though, we forget that it's the need for vocabulary, not the concepts themselves, that are specific to polyamory.
The compersion I'm feeling comes easily in this case. My 'Net Sweetie isn't my primary (I don't have a primary at the moment, other than myself) - indeed, the primary/secondary/tertiary structure isn't very useful here. We've never met in person; it's a long-distance relationship, so new that the "commitment" aspect is about getting to know each other better, still at the "friends with (virtual) fringe benefits" stage. I think there's a lot of potential here, but logistics might interfere with realizing that potential; he's over 2000 miles away (it sounds even worse in kilometres) and in a different country.
His new love is also an LDR at present, even though it's a much more committed relationship, and I have a huge advantage over her when it comes to conducting an LDR: articulated digits. You see, she's his brand-new filly, born just over 48 hours ago. As a result, I'm not getting any less email, but OTOH, it's All About The Girl.
This is a dream for him that has taken over three and a half years to come to fruition - that's counting from when he had the means and the opportunity to put the process in train practically; the motive, the wish that he could have this, goes back, I believe, a good deal longer.
This may sound like I'm stretching the terminology all out of shape. In a way, so I am - but I think there's a lot to be learned here about what we mean when we use the terminology, and about the ways it's not poly-exclusive nor even poly-specific.
'Net Sweetie's relationship with his equine love is unquestionably committed - having a horse in your life is a lot more demanding, and a lot more long-term, than having a cat, or even in some ways than having a spouse - and it's certainly romantic; he's all giddy and starry-eyed. True, it's more parental than marital, but the idea, I think, is lifelong partnership. She is a Significant Other, not in the sense that refers strictly to spouses/lovers, but in the way that one's children or a Calling (a thing one can't not do, whether one is paid for the work or not - an example likely to be familiar to LJers is writing... which is also one of 'Net Sweetie's SOs) are Significant Others, and require and demand, not simply as obligation but from love, time and attention.
"But why do you identify what you're feeling as 'compersion'? Can't you just say you're happy for him?" Well, first and foremost, experience. I've "felt happy" for people - been pleased at their good fortune, especially when they were folks I cared about and wished good fortune to - many times. I've experienced compersion, also many times, but not as many; it - or at least the set of circumstances in which it arises - is rarer. The two are related, certainly, but they don't feel the same, any more than "like" and "love" feel the same.
Being pleased by the good fortune of those I care about can be dependent on whether it's any skin off my arse. When it has a negative impact on me - f'ex, if a close friend gets a great job offer in a distant city, my opportunities to see them will become, at best, few and far between - my state of "happy for them" may be mitigated by that impact.
Compersion, on the other hand, is what I experience when, despite any such impact, I have a net increase in happiness because their joy, in and of itself, gives me joy.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-16 10:06 pm (UTC)I used to comment that I considered myself to have three relationships: my ex-husband, my ex-OSO, and my coven/groupmates enmasse. (The first two of those have obviously gone away, and no current replacements, which makes the balancing act a little weirder.)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-17 09:58 pm (UTC)I'm not completely comfortable with the assumption that, to be "poly enough", the relationships have to fit certain narrow parameters. At one point while I was still with my ex-hubby, my secondary was "October", a preciously-dear woman friend whose triad had just been sabotaged by her co-wife (occasionally referred to as The Troll). October is definitely hetero; I'm unlikely to ever have a more physically-intimate relationship with her than skyclad hugging. But I love her enough, and am committed to her enough (and vice-versa), that our relationship tends to shift back and forth, depending on circumstances, between "friend-close-like-sister" and OSO.
It just occurred to me that I even do poly on the fuzzy borderlines. Liminal!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-18 07:06 pm (UTC)I finally gave up and talked to my ex-husband's ex (then and still a wonderful friend: she's bi, I'm not) and we have officially adopted each other as sisters.
(I don't think he entirely believed me when I said, when they broke up, that I as not going to give up the relationship with her. Ah, well. I think I got the better deal.)